My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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