I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
