Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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