I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
