I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she smelled like a LAN party
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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