as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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