Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
