Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
