Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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