I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
