I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.