Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
