Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
