Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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