I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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