It's like God shit irony all over that family
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I fill condoms, not promises.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
