and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
