So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
