Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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