My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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