let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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