as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
