Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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