I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
