hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
