My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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