Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
