I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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