i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
