***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We're too hungover to prance.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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