I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
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Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES