It's Friday. Sex?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i dont even know how to be here
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.