he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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