I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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