I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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