Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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