Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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