I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
