The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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