Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
