never play flip cup with pint glasses
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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