Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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