Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Randomize
