yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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