at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
