A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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