im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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