wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Barsexuality is the new black.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
