the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
