i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize