time to smoke my breakfast
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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