Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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