I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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