She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
4 words: hood of his car
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
