It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You dont lie about slip and slides
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
