I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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