The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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