you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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