it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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