I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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