In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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