my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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