My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
